The Cutting Truth

The Other Side

Sat, 24 Mar 2012 12:39:55 -0400

So it seems that this Tumblr has become more focused on self-harm than anything else, and I don’t want people who don’t deal with that specific “issue” to feel alienated in any way…or another way of saying it: I don’t want anyone to feel like this stuff can’t apply to them.

With that in mind, I want to talk a bit about the “other” issue I have battled with for a majority of my life, as I know it applies to a far wider audience. Depression.

Any way you slice it, depression is one of the most frustrating realities I’ve ever experienced. Whether it is trying to figure out the “triggers,” trying to figure out how to cope with it, trying to figure out how to keep it from impacting “important times”…whatever it is, depression just blows.

I find that depression is trickier than other issues because of the fact that it usually makes you want to be completely alone, and yet in times like that, you need “someone” more than ever. It is an amazing irony that is in many ways a perfect reflection of “the human condition.”

People LOVE to try and separate themselves from the pack of depression, saying that they have “this type” or “that type” and that “their situation” is different. While no two cases are the same, at its core, depression, as a clinical disease, is the same. That feeling, whether weak or strong, is what “we” all have in common, and it is against that which we all fight.

I think the most difficult aspect of depression with which I’ve dealt is in the idea of just feeling completely defeated for no reason at all. I am talking about that point where people ask you “why” you’re depressed, and you really can’t give them an answer…because there really isn’t an answer. People who have not dealt with “real” depression often think this is some sort of cop-out or that you’re “avoiding dealing with your core issues,” but I really believe that in some cases, you are just depressed, and cannot see any catalyst for it.

So feel free to let fly with questions and thoughts on depression…we’re all in this together…

You are NOT alone.

so what do you say when people ask about your cuts or scars?

Sat, 24 Mar 2012 12:08:43 -0400

It sort of depends on the day. I try to be as calm and factual about it as I can be, but there are some situations where I do end up coming off like a jerk. It also has a great deal to do with how the person approaches me.

Usually people say something along the lines of “are you ok?” as most of them don’t realize “what” it is at first. I tend to just smile and say, “Yeah, thanks…it was an accident.” or something along those lines. 99% of the time, this is the end of the conversation.

When people persist or dig a bit deeper, I think it is because they probably know someone who self-harms, or really want to understand more about it. This is where it depends on the person and how I am feeling in terms of “what” I say. I am not Mr. Super-Open in terms of sharing, but there have been times were I have told a stranger quite a bit of the history of “why” and “how.”

I would say that MAYBE 2 or 3 times a year I encounter someone trying to “save” me or whatever, and for those types, I just nod and smile and get away as quickly as I can.

Honesty is always the best policy…cliché or not…

You are NOT alone.

what made you start hurting yourself?

Sat, 24 Mar 2012 12:04:50 -0400

Well, in the most honest sense possible, I started making myself do it. To blame any external force is a bit of a cop-out. You must take responsibility that in the end, any sort of self-harm is a choice you make for yourself.

But, to get a bit deeper, perhaps more psychological about it, I think it stemmed from two major sources. First off, I didn’t really fit in at the Jr. High and High School I attended. I had friends and was in clubs and had a LOT of fun during those years, but I never really felt like I was part of any crowd. I always just saw myself as a bit of an outsider for a number of reasons, and because I did not conform to a lot of the things others did, I felt alone in that sense.

Also, while I have said a number of times that my parents were awesome (they were), the fact is that there were some family issues that began when I was about 7 that impacted this reality as well. One of my sisters was pretty messed up in terms of overall health, and that required a great deal of my parents’ time and attention. Due to that, I really learned to “cope” on my own at a young age, and in retrospect, I think my cutting was both a cry for help/attention, as well as a way for me to keep most of my feelings inside.

For the record, NEITHER of these are “good” reasons to hurt yourself. There is NO good reason to hurt yourself.

You are NOT alone.

you said you did other things than cutting?

Sat, 24 Mar 2012 11:59:24 -0400

Yes, I said that. To clarify, I had a long battle with drugs over the course of about 8 years. You name it, I did it a few times.

Taking that into account, I can say with absolute knowledge of it being true that drugs (any and all) are the dumbest thing you can possibly do with your life/to yourself. Not ONE of them (the drugs) did anything for me that has benefited me in ANY way. The idea that some “enhance” your creativity or whatever is a total crock, and it is used by people as an excuse to keep doing drugs.

Also, I’ve been completely clean for well over a decade, and I can say that there are a number of consequences from my drug days that still impact me to this day.

It sounds cliché, but as someone who did, just don’t do drugs…they’re just not worth it.

You are NOT alone.

did you tell your parents when you were younger?

Sat, 24 Mar 2012 11:56:00 -0400

In terms of my cutting, I honestly don’t remember if I actually “told” them about it. They certain found out about it one way or another. They were great and all, and did an amazing job as parents.

But, the fact if the matter is that I don’t think they really knew “what” to do about it. There wasn’t as much research/publicity about cutting when I was younger, so they sent me to a generic psychologist, and it really didn’t do much good for me.

I will say this, if you are debating on whether or not to tell you parents, I 100% say tell them. They are your parents…they care about you more than anyone, and there is no question that they will do whatever they can to help you.

Telling your parents…or anyone who can help you is the biggest step in getting better.

You are NOT alone.

Saturday

Sat, 24 Mar 2012 00:24:56 -0400

There are a number of questions in my “ask” box…I will get to them all on Saturday…long end of the week at work…

what do you do when you get really down and depressed and can't stop it?

Wed, 21 Mar 2012 12:41:21 -0400

This is a VERY good question.

I really believe that for everyone, the “solution” or coping mechanism is completely different. For some people, it might be going to for a walk…for others it could be talking to a pet (we all do it)…

For me, when I am in a “dark place,” I tend to watch a movie or TV show that I enjoy…Netflix has made the selection process far better. I do this because for me, it can take awhile until I get “out” of that headspace. We’re talking 2, 3, sometimes 4 hours of being depressed and not really wanting to interact with anyone.

Other times, I will listen to my favorite music, but you need to be careful to NOT listen to sad and depressing stuff. Though it might “feel” good because you can relate, it probably won’t help you get “out” of that mood.

The fact of the matter is, you WILL get out of it eventually. You’re not going to “be that way forever,” even though sometimes it can really feel that way. Just remember, when you find yourself walking through hell, KEEP WALKING!

You are NOT alone.

Eyes Of The World

Tue, 20 Mar 2012 21:39:50 -0400

The fact is, there are scars all over my arm and there have been for years and years. Many of them have been there so long, I have completely forgotten about them, as they are part of me. The only time I am really reminded of them is when someone notices them. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly people clearly judge me…because let’s face it, it looks like I was either in a fight with a very angry paper shredder…or the reality of what happened…though the paper shredder might make a funny movie scene…

Anyway…once in awhile, I will be somewhere in public, minding my own business, and I will see someone completely infatuated with my arm. Most times, I just try and look the other way…not because of my embarrassment, but because of THEIRS. In most cases, when they make eye contact with me (read as: I “catch” them staring), they get very uncomfortable…and well, I guess I am looking out for them…I don’t like making people feel awkward…

It varies for me…some days, I am very introverted and will either wear long sleeves or bandage myself up in some way…on other days, I really don’t care as much, and “brave” the elements with no “covers.”

So today, it was unseasonably warm out, and really not thinking about the fresh “additions,” I went out for a walk in short sleeves…it was damn near 70 degrees Fahrenheit out there…NOT going to be rocking a jacket or long sleeves…I was out and about for an hour or so and I popped into a drug store to get a bottle of water…whilst waiting in line to pay, I mistakingly “caught” a watcher…

She just shook her head at me and said, “I’m so sorry. There are people that can help, you know?” Well, I really wasn’t in the mood to deal with it, so I snapped back at her something to the effect of, “You carry your pain on the inside, mine is on the outside…what’s the difference?” She rolled her eyes and turned around.

I’ve been pretty steamed about it since…because my initial thought is (as it usually is), “Who the F is she to judge me?” But the fact is, what I do is unhealthy. It just is. There is no way around that reality.

At the same time, my “issues” do not make me any less of a person, and I think it was the fact that she had a condescending tone that really set me off. Plus, chances are she doesn’t know jack about the reality of the disease that this is.

But again, I shouldn’t have lost my cool…and she is right…there are people that can help.

You are NOT alone.

We Will Be Strong

Tue, 20 Mar 2012 10:00:05 -0400

Though it totally sucks, the fact remains that if you are someone who is battling any sort of “mental illness,” you are probably going to be doing so for an extended period of time. It is rarely the sort of thing that just “goes away” on its own, and it can be both exhausting and rather defeating at times.

At so many points over the years, I have said to myself, “seriously? Am I still fighting depression?” or “Two decades of work, and I still beat myself up.”

You CAN win the war. I know MANY people who have done it…and in comparatively short periods of time…but you need to remain persistent and vigilant. Whatever your particular “issue” may be, it knows you better than you know yourself…so while you might be able to fool yourself into thinking you’re “past it,” you have not tricked it…it knows…it will wait and get you when you least expect it.

This is the main reason why you need to have a solid, understanding support system in your life. Whether it is a group of friends, a literal support group, or just one person within whom you can confide; it is in those moments where your “issue” catches you off guard and knocks you to the floor that you need to have someone to remind you of your strength.

True inner-strength is built on time and experience…there is no quick or easy path to it. But keep fighting, and you will learn the tactics to best approach the battle in your own way.

You are NOT alone.

Do you take medications for your problems? Like antidepressants or something?

Mon, 19 Mar 2012 22:51:39 -0400

No, not anymore. I took a number of different anti-depressants over the years, and they worked to different extents.

The important thing to remember is that what works for one person may not work for another. We all have different brains, different imbalances, etc.

I STRONGLY recommend seeing therapists/psychologists, ESPECIALLY at younger ages. They can really aid in battling with whatever your struggle is. Also, if you get prescribed some medication, remember that in many cases, it takes a week or two for it to get into your bloodstream…it also may take 2 or 3 “tries” on different medications to find the one that works best for you.

Trust in the education and understanding of your psychologists…they are there to help.

You are NOT alone.

Everybody Needs Somebody

Mon, 19 Mar 2012 22:44:00 -0400

This was a lesson that was tough for me to learn. I am not the most social person, and for my entire life, it has been quite difficult for me to “open up” to others. I am a very guarded person, and I don’t let anyone in “all the way.” I need to keep some “safe” space for myself in every friendship I have.

BUT, we all need someone. Someone we can talk to, talk at, or just have talk to us when we just need to hear another voice. From time to time, I will call a friend of mine an just say, “talk to me. about anything.” Even if they are just going through what they did that day, the time they spend talking “at” me or with me can make all the difference in the world.

Other times, I will call a friend and say, “I just need to say some stuff out loud, and then I am going to hang up.” Some people call this “venting,” but, well I think it’s different.

It’s not really about this other person “giving” you a solution or “solving” your problem(s)…it’s the act of sharing what is going on with someone…anyone. When you say something out loud, it becomes real…and you can no longer pretend the problem/issue/reality does not exist. It is scary as hell, but it can help in the long run.

Back in high school, my “person” was actually the advisor to a club I was in. I couldn’t really open up to friends or my family at the time; but for some reason, I was able to be honest with her, and NOT feel judged.

It doesn’t matter who your “person” is, it is only important that you find someone…or someones…

You are NOT alone.

The Days And Nights Are Long

Mon, 19 Mar 2012 15:50:03 -0400

Last night was a VERY difficult one for me…and it came on the heels of an equally challenging day. It was one of those days where I wake up already bottomed out, and I know it is going to take all I have just to get out of my bedroom. It’s that feeling that is somehow past the point of depression and hopelessness where you are just sort of “there,” but not really interacting with the world on any level.

I had a ton I had to get done yesterday, and unsurprisingly, accomplished very little. I did manage my daily workout, but it did not help my mental or emotional state in any way. I tried everything I could think of to get out of the funk, but after a few hours, I gave up on that idea.

By the time I finished forcing myself through what absolutely HAD to be done yesterday, it was around 11pm, and I could not quiet my mind in the least. I had a feeling that I was on a path to some late night battles, but it was one of those tough situations where I know I could call ANY of my friends and they would talk to me for however long I needed just to occupy my mind…but at the same time, I didn’t want to talk to anyone at all.

This is the most persistant “vicious cycle” I have known in my entire life.

I fought as long and hard as I could, but because I am a complete idiot sometimes, I had left a knife out after dinner. I am usually good about putting them away, because I know that if they are out and about, well, I’ll use them. I did. I hated myself for doing it whilst in the act, but I couldn’t stop myself. I got myself pretty bad too.

I am NOT happy or proud about it. It is NOT a good, right, or healthy thing in any way. But at the same time, it is reality, and I did it…again. Even today I am still angry at myself for it, and with the warmer months upon us, it’s time to once again find a variety of ways to hide it from others…long sleeves do have their advantages.

Another day, another battle.

You are NOT alone.

Story Of My Life

Mon, 19 Mar 2012 13:48:00 -0400

It makes sense that the beginning of this should be just that, a starting point to which all after are connected.

I am well past 20 years of age and living in the United States. Since I was 8 or 9 years old, I have battled with various forms of “self harm” from cutting to drinking to drugs and a wide variety of other things. I have been completely clean of drugs and alcohol for more than a decade, and it was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

I still battle with “self harm” on an almost daily basis, and it occurred to me that due to both my age and experience, my words, views, and well, brutal honesty might be of aid to others who struggle similarly.

I don’t really “fit” into any of the “traditional” categories for “self harm” types, as I have a successful job and am generally thought to be as “normal” as they get. But the reality remains.

This all stems from the fact that I have “clinical depression,” along with long-standing issues in both self-esteem and overall self-worth. I do all I can to own my issues, and NOT let them own me. It is a constant battle…some days I win, some days I lose.

So I will be documenting here my thoughts and battles with myself, in the hopes that others might find strength in it. There will NEVER be any photos, as I do not wish to glorify what I do in ANY way…because it’s not cool or fun or smart or anything. It is a disease with which I battle.

I am always open to answering questions, and I understand that many want to do so anonymously. Feel free to do that via the “ask” box.

You are NOT alone.